Fear

Sometimes while drifting into sleep or in waking from a nap I feel a deep sense of terror. Its a bottomlessness feeling that seems to be always in the background, just never confronted because of the incessant chatter of the mind. It feels more fundamental than anything I feel in my day to day life. I know its alwyas there guiding my decisions.

Fear controls my life. Fear is so deeply ingrained my my psyche that my world presents itself in a wholly negative manner without a clear cause. Fear causes withdrawal and the consequence of this withdrawal is further isolation and fear. Within this isolation my ego has created false structures to protect itself, such as clinging to justifying myself as intellectually superior than others and a sort of diamond in the rough. These are just a few of the symptoms of the diagnosis.

My ego is so desperate for protection. I break into rage whenever my worthiness in any domain is questioned by anyone or any circumstance. This is why I am so competitive. A need to prove myself. I have a deep seated need to be validated. My inability to become a multimillion dollar intellectually sophisticated playboy by the time I was 22 has created a profound disappointment in myself. Sounds funny when stated like that but its true. My standards are this high because its what I see online, and without assuming I am bound to be better than everyone else I am stranded to be mediocre. I don't know why I fear mediocrity so much, I just know I do. The chronic need to feel above is exhausting and as a pessimistic person, I rarely trick myself into thinking its true, and end up seeing only the opposite.

Fear is one of those things that you can notice but can't help but try to ignore and cater to because of the level of discomfort it invites.

I want to get more off my chest and in a more articulate way but I will settle with this for now.