Trying Something New

Ambition seems to require a set of traits in order for it not to ruin ones life. Ones which I don't yet have. I feel caught between ambition and my own being. My body wants to sleep but my mind wants to act and pursue the life I dream of. This tension causes a non stop internal conflict. I am attempting to resolve this conflict through understanding it. I will now attempt to describe my understanding.

To begin with an example, I wanted to make this blog post and now I am met with roadblocks. The first one being my mind counterproductively critiquing every sentence in order to get this perfect on the first try, and the second being my mind drifting following this interruption. I have already deleted hundreds of words to get to this sentence. I am not efficient in pursuit of goals because I get so caught up assessing and restructuring progress. I have been forever enslaved to the same habitual divergence from the path to the goal. I lose focus, attention, care, and drive. My spark seems to burn hot for a few minutes, creativity crackling throughout my mind, quickly dimming, and therefore getting nothing done. How can I fix this? How can I give my mind an environment to thrive in?

The dopamine system seems to run on anticipatory trains of thought. It seems as though happiness is tied to the anticipation of accomplishment of whatever one is currently chasing. I don't seek happiness, (at least intellectually I understand that it is a dead end, although my subconscious still likely seeks it) though I seek reaching the destination. But practically I understand that my actions in the moment are primarily fuelled through this feeling of happiness, not my intellectual desire to reach something. Therefore I must submit to my human tendency to be a slave to the ups and downs of the human mood.

I am now getting tired. Ive edited this and added and subtracted from it. This is not up to my standard to post. But I'm going to post it anyway.

I'm going to post this because I need to accept where I am at. I didn't sit here and create a piece of literary art and thats okay. I started. Going from 0 to 1 isn't a bad start and I did that today. I had to open a browser and create an account on a new website and sit here at 1 am and uncomfortably write and persevere even through my disappointment in my ability to spit out perfectly articulated quality ideas.

I just hope I can get a bit better everyday from now on and stay consistent.